Gotcha Gang Return from World Voyage

Halifax, NS Monday, March 3, 2008

It was a cold, cold day when the Gotcha Good sailed back into Canadian waters, after a prolonged absence. A chill wind blew over the Halifax harbour, carrying wisps of snow across the icy waters of the Atlantic. Still, the members of the Gotcha Gang were in high spirits. Their private yacht was full of new, expensive and, in many cases, priceless items collected during their recent voyage around the globe.

According to reliable sources, the gang had had the Gotcha Good transported to the Vancouver harbour via a private train several months ago. So, it was from Van City that they set out early one morning, striking a southerly course and following the coast down to California, where they lounged on sunny beaches, dinned in five star restaurants and schmoozed with Hollywood big-wigs.

After exhausting their stay in the Golden State, the gang returned to the Gotcha Good and continued down the coast of South America. They eventually cut west, making the long, open journey across the Pacific, into the scattered islands of Oceania and down around the coast of Australia. From there, it was north into Indonesia, around the island of Japan and along the coasts of Southern Asia and Africa. Finally, the gang toured the Mediterranean and Northern Europe before eventually making their way back to Canadian waters, near Halifax.

Not far behind, Inspector Hamish McMoney was keeping a close eye on the gang’s activities. Their free-handed spending left a trail of gossip and wild rumour, making it easy for the inspector to follow their every movement.

“The whole trip was like a slap in the face of Canadian mailers,” the inspector said. “The gang basically set out to see if they could possibly spend all the money they had accumulated over the past year.”

It was a devilish scheme, to be sure, especially since the villains in question had never actually earned the money that they were trying so hard to spend. Instead, they had whisked it all away from unsuspecting mailers in Canada. Through simple and avoidable mistakes, many of these innocent mailers ended up dropping unnecessary sums of money on postage, print and mail preparation. For others, revenue was lost to the Gotcha Gang when poor planning or communication had an adverse effect on client relations or company image.

But, the most troubling part of the whole plot is that many of the victims are not even aware of their losses, considering the money spent as a necessary part of their marketing and/or communications budgets.

“That’s what really gets my goat,” Inspector McMoney said. “It’s bad enough for the gang to have been spending so liberally in the first place, but to be doing so with money that was never rightfully theirs is worse than heinous.”

Since arriving back in Canada, though, the gang has remained comparatively quiet. It is likely that they are attempting to avoid drawing the ire of their victims. Still, while the gang seems to have enjoyed their spending game, with its multi-million dollar price tag, they returned home with new plans to gain back all the money that they had spent. But, even they, wily though they may be, could not have anticipated what would be awaiting them on their return. Sources tell us that the gang’s jaws actually dropped when they logged in to their online banking, only to discover an unbelievable truth.

While they were gone, the account had continued to accumulate and, perhaps with the rush to mail before Christmas, now contained more money than it had when they left!

“I’m honestly not surprised!” said Inspector McMoney upon being told of the gang’s newest wealth. “The network of money-gathering misinformation these guys have laid is woven so tightly that it takes either expert knowledge or sheer, blind luck to escape it. And since luck is fleeting, and most people don’t have the time to commit to really learning all the ins and outs of the mail industry in Canada, the best way for businesses to protect themselves is to consult a direct mail expert.”

It’s a simple message, and one that Inspector McMoney hopes will gain some momentum over the coming months. Unfortunately, this simple solution is too often overlooked, much to the delight of the Gotcha Gang, who are probably already planning their next worldwide spending adventure.

Please note that the Gotcha Gang is not Canada Post. The Gotcha Gang represents the effect of decisions that result in paying excess postage, labour costs or minimizing opportunity. Most of these releases are based on actual events, though dates and locations may be fictitious.